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A transformative book about the lives we wish we had and what they can teach us about who we are
All of us lead two parallel lives: the one we are actively living, and the one we feel we should have had or might yet have. As hard as we try to exist in the moment, the unlived life is an inescapable presence, a shadow at our heels. And this itself can become the story of our lives: an elegy to unmet needs and sacrificed desires. We become haunted by the myth of our own potential, of what we have in ourselves to be or to do. And this can make of our lives a perpetual falling-short.
But what happens if we remove the idea of failure from the equation? With his flair for graceful paradox, the acclaimed psychoanalyst Adam Phillips suggests that if we accept frustration as a way of outlining what we really want, satisfaction suddenly becomes possible. To crave a life without frustration is to crave a life without the potential to identify and accomplish our desires.
In this elegant, compassionate, and absorbing book, Phillips draws deeply on his own clinical experience as well as on the works of Shakespeare and Freud, of D. W. Winnicott and William James, to suggest that frustration, not getting it, and and getting away with it are all chapters in our unlived lives―and may be essential to the one fully lived.
- Sales Rank: #160402 in Books
- Published on: 2013-01-22
- Released on: 2013-01-22
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.59" h x .77" w x 5.81" l, .75 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 224 pages
From Bookforum
In Missing Out, Phillips seeks to render the self-punishing rigors of envisioning alternate lives—denied lives, better lives, more outrageous lives—into a normal-ish study in badly managed life expectations. While our lives are a seesaw of frustration and fulfillment, the eventual satisfaction never quite measures up. Because of its wild ranginess, its unwillingness to be American and tell me what to think, Missing Out brought me a strange and maybe obvious kind of comfort. —Choire Sicha
Review
“A wonderfully concise appeal for presentness...Elegantly stated.” ―The Boston Globe
“Missing Out is [Adam Phillips's] most poetic, paradoxical, repetitive, and punning yet; he doesn't argue in a linear fashion but nestles ideas within ideas, like Russian dolls.” ―Sheila Heti, The New York Times Book Review
“[Adam Phillips] has an elegant prose style...with a talent for turning a phrase, a knack for epigrams” ―Los Angeles Review of Books
“Extraordinary...Always humane, never reductive, Phillips is one of those writers whom it is a pleasure simply to hear think.” ―The Sunday Telegraph (London)
About the Author
Adam Phillips is a psychoanalyst and a visiting professor in the English department at the University of York. He is the author of many books, including On Kissing, Tickling, and Being Bored; Going Sane; Side Effects; and On Balance. He is also the coauthor, with the historian Barbara Taylor, of On Kindness; with the critic Leo Bersani, of Intimacies; and with the exhibition-maker Judith Clark, of The Concise Dictionary of Dress.
Most helpful customer reviews
91 of 98 people found the following review helpful.
Imagine That !
By David R. Anderson
"In Praise of the Unlived Life," the subtitle of Adam Phillips' new book, his seventeenth, hooked me. Not so surprising since Stephen Vizinczey's classic "In Praise of Older Women - The Amorous Reflections of A.V." sits next to "Thy Neighbor's Wife" by Gay Talese in my bookcase. So what, I wanted Phillips to tell me, am I missing out on?
Quite a lot, it turns out. Paradoxically, he asserts, we have become experts in what we don't know and know-little's about what we think we do know. When the going gets tough at work or at home, as our frustration builds with the knots we tie ourselves up in, we develop "omniscience" about what awaits us in our unlived lives. It's not until we leave the job or abandon the family that the green pastures we projected turn out to be less nourishing than the life we confidently expected awaited us.
There are a couple of reasons for this. Not only is it impossible to fully know ourselves, more importantly, we can never know what goes on with anyone else, not our children, not our parents, not our wives or sweethearts. So we can't l know how things will turn out if we stay put and try to work out solutions to our frustrations, and we certainly can't know how we will feel with the new job or partner in the unlived life we opted for. To that degree, the book's subtitle title is, if not misleading, disingenuous. Since we can't know the unlived life - we never reach it -- the praise we cloak it in is a mirage.
Phillips, a psychoanalyst with years of practice under his belt, has extensive experience to support his conclusions. Moreover, he is sharp as a tack, extremely well read in his field and out, and a writer the New York Times described as "poetic, paradoxical, repetitive and punning." (Shelia Heit's review "Second Selves" appeared in the January 20, 2013 Sunday Book Review.) What more could you ask for?
End note. In fact, there is more: the book's appendix titled "On Acting Madness." It tackles what it means to actor, audience and to our understanding of the terrors of madness to perform the role of a madman on stage. Phillips discusses "MacBeth", "King Lear" and David Holman's dramatization of Gogol's "Diary of a Madman." What makes Phillips' essay so telling is that it assumes that madness "represents one of our unlived lives, something that might have happened to us..."
52 of 56 people found the following review helpful.
Missing it on missing out
By Deb
My head is still spinning from this book. And, unfortunately, not in a productive way.
Similar to the experience of other reviewers, I had expectations that this book would offer a useful exploration of how looking at the yet-unlived aspects of our lives can help guide us towards more meaningful lives. Perhaps I was lured by the subtitle of "In praise of the unlived life" and the reviews on the back, which, in retrospect, were more about the undelivered promises found in the prologue of the book. (I'm kind of thinking these reviewers never actually made it through the remainder of the book.)
To me, the book (following the promising prologue) was a series of mental ramblings thrown together that provided a tour of the author's own personal intellectual pet projects. Much of the book consisted of the author's exploring ad nauseam the concepts and definitions of the words and phrases of "frustration," "not getting it," "getting away with it," "getting out of it," "satisfaction," and "madness" with a dizzying array of citations from Freud and Shakespeare. Maybe I was missing out (subtitle pun intended) on something, but I did not find these mental wanderings to be interesting or useful. It felt like the author was not writing for an audience, but for himself.
Some readers may love the content, style, and impressive attempts to marry psychoanalysis and Shakespeare, but, it just didn't work so well for me.
On the bright side, I need not wonder if I was missing out by not reading _Missing Out_.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Probably good ideas lost in fuzzy writing
By Tom Cantlon
I'll repaste here what I just reviewed of another of his books, Unforbidden Pleasures, because the two go together. I read Adam Phillips "Missing Out". The topic and review sounded fascinating, unusual, something to broaden the thinking and challenge the mind. I was disappointed, and in reading the generous Look Inside of Unforbidden Pleasures it seems the same. Phillips seems very intelligent, extremely well read, puts a lot of work into his books, yet somehow manages to leave me wondering what insight I'm supposed to have received from what he just said. Like he can't get his words out of his own way so he can say what he thinks. Every once in a while he starts to write lucidly and you think, at last, here we go, and then he's back into muddled writing. This book sounds like another fascinating idea, and when I first started reading the Look Inside (lots of pages, presumably chosen by the author to best represent the book) I didn't even remember this was the same author, but as I read the fuzzy writing I had a sense of deja vu. Then I realized it's the same author as Missing Out. I think he has a lot to offer. I wish some very involved editor or a co-author could collaborate and get his insights clearly down on paper.
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